The Art of Conversation

The art of conversation, first and foremost, is to tell the truth. But how should we do this?

A poor conversation can contain resistance or aggressiveness. For example, I’m talking to someone and they cut me off. Or, they talk over me. For instance, I’m at a counter of an establishment for help, but before I can get my point across, the person thinks they know what I am going to ask, so they start talking. Or, I’m sitting with a friend, and they want to voice their opinion before I can complete mine. Sometimes it happens with a group of friends or family. Everyone is talking over everyone else. People get excited. People have too much caffeine or alcohol. People get stressed out or emotional, like super happy. I get it. However, sometimes I feel disrespected. I try to stay patient, but if someone is being rude, I sometimes lose my cool.

See, it goes both ways. Someone is talking. And talking. And talking. I cannot get a word in unless I cut them off or talk over them. Struggling to have a conversation is not enjoyable. I listen. Why can’t they listen? When this happens during group conversations, I usually give up and let everyone else talk. I sit silently, keeping my opinions to myself. Maybe, eventually, they will ask for mine. Maybe not. Either way, I’m not going to play. I'll wait for a real pause before I say anything.

Sound familiar?

Nobody’s perfect. We can try better next time. Perhaps this blog will help. If they don’t try, if you feel like you’re being walked on or feel like you’re banging your head against the wall, perhaps this blog will help in that case as well.

Before I give some advice on what we can do to communicate better, I’d like to touch on my perspective of the artistic part of it all. I believe the art of conversation is like a dance between two people. Or, in groups, it’s like the call and response during a jazz session. There’s a rhythm. You feel it out. When it’s your turn, it’s your turn. When it’s theirs, you give them the stage, taking in what they say until it is your turn again. Smooth. Harmonious. Interesting.

We are in sync with some people better than others. Energies vary, and if you’re working too hard at conversing, then you’re not in the flow, the rhythm. You can guide the flow (I’ll talk more about this below), but do so aware of resistance. If you feel resistance, it’s a force. They can’t force the flow, and neither can you. Sometimes increased volume is simply a sign of having fun. It can change the frequency (energy vibration) of the flow in a good way, bringing joy. But a conversation hoarder or an aggressive talker might increase their volume as well. This will change the frequency of the flow in a negative way. Participation in this frequency change contributes to the flow, be it light or dark energy. You can flow right into a fistfight. You can even flow right into bed depending on your energies! You can flow into passive submission or flow into a truly interesting and fun time. Loving with respect, allowing the give-and-take without forcing it, with acceptance and sometimes even with joy, is the key. Joy is a gracious happiness.

Empathy has a lot to do with flow. Some people feel empathy easier than others. Empathy is different than sympathy (although lately the terms have been used to mean the same thing). Empathy has to do with feeling energies, while sympathy is more about having compassion. If you do not feel energies very well, you can still sympathize with people. This will help the flow as long as they are not sucking your energy. Beware of the “poor-me” energy suckers. Empathetic people who are aware of energy exchange will be more able to distinguish between honest emotion and energy thieves. If you are unable to do so, try to become aware of how you feel. If you feel yourself becoming tired, like the conversation is draining you, then it’s best to be harmless rather than helpful. Being harmless is like sitting with the peace of God. Say a silent prayer and give it to God.

Letting go of ego and appreciating the good things about people while accepting the bad helps you stay in the flow of conversation. Do not judge people while you’re talking with them. Unless, of course, the bad is abusive—then another type of conversation might be necessary, in which case the right time and place are essential. We can simply say, “I'm not receiving this right now” and walk away. Then you can be grateful to yourself for putting up your boundaries. It is important to feel safe.

Lastly, guiding the flow is possible. If you are hosting a dinner party, for example, part of your job is to guide the flow of conversation. You can do this by asking questions to start the flow. If the conversation starts to heat up, you can change the subject or change the atmosphere by playing some music, lighting some candles, or doing anything else that will help set a positive tone. But most importantly, you can give your own positivity by truly loving and respecting each of your guests. Being kind is the best thing you can do. However, there might come a time when a line is crossed. You may need to protect one guest from another. If you sense abusive behavior, dismissing that guest might be necessary.

The artistic part of conversation, to me, is all about energy and flow.

My practical advice on good communication and conversation is to tell the truth and to be aware. Telling the truth seems simple. But, if you’re not understood, the truth doesn’t come forth. If you feel like you’re not getting your point across, try to figure out what isn’t working on your side, then try another approach. For instance, your vocabulary. Are you using the words the other person doesn’t know the meaning of and may be reluctant to ask? Also, could that person understand better if you used a metaphor? Examples of your point can be eye-opening.

Telling the truth is not an excuse to be rude. Recognize the difference between fact and opinion. Facts can be proven; they are not theories. Being willing to compromise does not mean you’re lying or giving in. You can agree to disagree. If they cannot, let it go. We all have egos, but insisting that you’re right makes you look like a know-it-all. Nobody likes that. The best thing you can do is to try to see other people’s perspectives.

Don’t judge; listen. The most important part of conversation is listening. Listening skills can be developed. Practice active listening. Be aware in the moment. We should think before we speak, but when it is our turn to speak, we should not be afraid to do so.

One way to listen better is by acknowledging what the other person has said by paraphrasing it. Summarizing or rewording can show understanding or let the person know you could use some clarification to understand.

Awareness is also achieved through paying attention to body language. Theirs and your own. Are their arms crossed across their chest? It could seem like a stubborn action, but most likely it’s defensive. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is a signal that they are subconsciously trying to protect themselves. And it is your cue to lighten up. What about their eyes? Are they smiling? Are they dark black? Do you see a sadness in them? Without being intrusive, notice their eyes. Are they avoiding eye contact? If so, they might have an issue with you, and perhaps you should ask them about it. Or perhaps you should keep this in mind for future encounters.

Awareness of self strengthens communication. Stay calm and don’t ramble on. If you feel yourself becoming stressed, you could postpone the talk or simply take a moment to yourself. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Or, calm yourself by focusing on your breath and consciously relaxing your muscles.

Some people naturally converse better together, but if you are in a situation when you must socialize with people you do not naturally flow with, I hope the advice I’ve given can help.

Peace and Love,

Tracy